Most people would readily agree that communication is a key to healthy relationships. There are two important elements in communication - listening and speaking. Both are skills and need to be learned and practiced to become proficient.

Listening is actually the most important part of communication and can be very powerful in creating intimacy, connection and safety. This is true in both adult relationships and parent-child relationships.

Listening is often thought of as a passive activity, however there are many active behaviors that contribute to its success. Before these behaviors are discussed, there are some pitfalls to listening that must be avoided. The need to advise or be a problem solver is often frustrating to a speaker who needs to be heard and understood first. The venting process alone may have shown the speaker a solution and they may now be ready to ask for advice if applicable.

Mind-reading or making assumptions about what the speaker really thinks is seldom beneficial. Erroneous conclusions about the content of the discussion are often drawn and misunderstandings and distance result.

Abruptly changing the subject or telling the speaker something better or worse than what they have just said are guaranteed ways to derail the conversation and promote feelings of unimportance.

All of these listening pitfalls have the common element of not really hearing what is being said. This occurs naturally since we think faster than we can speak and, consequently, our minds have time to wander or plan our response. When we find this happening, it is important to just gently turn our focus back to the speaker and let go of our need to speak.

The active part of listening involves staying calm and concentrating on the speaker to capture the content and feelings about what is being said. Sometimes it is helpful to touch in some way such as holding a hand tenderly of a friend or loved one. Facing each other is also important.

When we have heard the speaker’s message it is important to repeat back to them, in our own words, what we have just heard. This active process allows the speaker to feel the connection of really being understood or to gently correct any information that is misheard or misspoken. The listener can also hear beyond the concrete message and try to perceive the feelings conveyed. The feelings can also be verbalized back to the speaker to add a deeper element of connection and intimacy. The feelings conveyed may be pleasant, such as appreciation and respect, or painful, such as disappointment and hurt. Both types are necessary to explore to create a bond. It is important to keep in mind that listening conveys understanding and acceptance of the speaker’s experience. It does not necessarily mean agreeing with what is being said.

Listening is limited. It is OK to ask the speaker to pause so that you can get a chance to clarify what has been understood to that point. This lets the speaker know that you care enough to want to get it all.

When you have given the speaker the gift of listening, and they feel understood, it is time for them to return the gift to you. The speaker will be ready and willing to listen because their need to be heard has been met.